Sunday, May 22, 2011

TSS: Post Rapture Edition

Image from the OB Rag
My grandmother believed she was living in the end times.  She was certain that she would see the rapture before she died.  She looked forward to it.  This made for interesting goodbyes when Christmas visits came to an end.

"We'll probably see each other in heaven before Easter comes."

A strange thing to say to a 12-year-old.  I think she meant to be comforting, but it put me under a lot of pressure.   Christ could return at any moment.  Will you be ready when the rapture comes?

Stuff like that can really mess you up.

During the last years of my grandmother's life her mental state deteriorated.  We stopped phoning her because as soon as she said hello she thought she'd been talking for a hour and would hang up.  "Hello, how are you. It was sure nice talking to you but I better let you go now."  It took the nurses considerable effort to get her over to the phone for these 30 second conversations.  She believed we called her every day and talked for hours.  It's uncomfortable to say this, but she was never happier or easier to be around than when she wasn't really all there.

She's been gone a while now, and still no rapture.

C.J. and I share the responsibility for yesterday's near rapture experience.  According to the church officials who predicted it, one of the major reasons for the rapture is the increasing acceptance of homosexuality.  Gay marriage will bring about the end of days.   Ask anyone.

When C.J. and I  married we were promised incredible disasters would result.  Earthquakes, wildfires, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, riots and revolution.  We took this as public acknowledgement of our love's incredible power.  It's been a bit of a disappointment so far.  All we really got was a collapse in home prices and prolonged unemployment.  That's been rough, but we were promised fire reigning down from the sky.

There is still hope.  Marriage equality is currently before the legislature in the state of New York.  Mayor Michael Bloomberg has been making special trips to Albany to lobby Republican legislators, hoping to win votes for a marriage equality bill coming up this month.

If he succeeds, the rapture is sure to follow.

Same time next year?

Meanwhile, in other news.....

I heard from my district officially this week; I'll be teaching at one of the remaining middle schools next year, probably sixth and seventh grade English and history again.  Now I that I know where I'll be and that the latest rapture is another dud, I can start planning for the fall.


Amanda said...

This is the funniest post I've read in a long time. I swear I was laughing from the time I saw that picture to the paragraph about the power of your love. :D That's exactly what I needed this morning!!

christina said...

Love it!

Also, I'm 200 pages into Lonesome Dove and I'm lovin' that too. :)

Teresa said...

Oh my, you do have a way of making me laugh at the most unexpected things! And I'm glad to hear you know where you'll be next year.

Amy said...

Great post! It really made me laugh.
I was surprised by how similar she sounded to my grandmother especially regarding phone calls. My grandmother tended to want to hang up in case someone better happened to call her!

Oh Bloomberg.....oy!

It's nice you finally know where you'll be next year and can make some lans.

Have a good week!

Michelle @ The True Book Addict said...

When I was a pre-teen and teen, talk of the rapture and discussion of Revelations scared the crap out of me. That's why I quit going to church back then. Of course, this was in the 80s so with Revelations and the constant threat of nuclear war, I was a basket case!

I really hope that gay marriage becomes legal across the country, but I know that in some states it may never happen and I think that's a shame. I wonder if the world will ever cease being judgmental? I hope for that, but attitudes of certain churches and religious sects...and individuals...make it seem doubtful.

Bellezza said...

It makes me sad how many Christians don't know the Word, or misinterpret it for their own purposes. Our job is not to judge others, but to love them. As to the rapture, those who have predicted it haven't read this verse:

"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father." Matthew 24:36

However, when my husband laughingly said, "I guess we weren't raptured," when we woke up this morning, I said, "Darn it! Now I have to clean the bathroom afterall." :)

C.B. James said...

Honestly, I didn't know this was funny when I wrote it. Maybe because I lived it all. I was being flip about it, I admit, but I wasn't going for laughs.

But, when C.J. read the post aloud to me, I found it very funny.

Living in the end times sure is strange.

Ms. Yingling said...

How do we know that the rapture didn't happen but our memories were manipulated so that we don't remember the people who were raptured? The picture makes me think of the old Peter Graves movie "Where Have All the People Gone"!

Jenners said...

This post cracked me up ... but it was kind of sad and thought-provoking at the same time. I'm sorry your marriage didn't quite get you the "fireworks" you were promised. : )

Ted said...

I'm glad you finally got your placement!

If you're going to take credit for the housing bust, we'll take the tornados, or maybe the Strauss-Kahn affair.